Gateway Chapter 21: I Murdered Her Twice
This chapter is a therapy session. Just one. No missions, no Gateway politics, no Heechee technology. Just Rob and Sigfrid in a room. And it is one of the most disturbing chapters in the book.
Because in this chapter, something breaks through the wall that Rob has been building for years.
The Teddy Bear Room
Sigfrid has redecorated again. The office now looks like a nursery. Soft colors. Gentle lighting. And Sigfrid gives Rob a teddy bear to hold.
A grown man holding a teddy bear in a fake nursery, talking to a computer therapist on a space station. It sounds ridiculous. But that is the point. Sigfrid is trying to create a safe space. A place where Rob can let his guard down. Where the adult walls come apart and whatever is hiding underneath can finally crawl out.
Rob goes along with it. He holds the teddy bear. He does not fight the setup this time. Maybe he is too tired to fight. Maybe some part of him knows he needs this.
The Dream About Sylvia
Rob describes a dream. He and Sylvia are in the mines. Working together, like they did when they were young. Everything is dark and cramped and familiar.
Then the tunnel collapses. Sylvia is trapped. She is trying to get out. She is calling for help. And Rob is right there. He can see her. He can reach her.
But he does not help.
In the dream, Rob does something worse than standing still. He actively prevents her escape. He blocks her. He keeps her trapped in the collapsing tunnel.
This is not a memory. It is a dream. But dreams are the language that guilt speaks when the conscious mind will not listen. And this dream is screaming.
The Name Slip
Here is where things get really interesting.
While describing the dream, Rob says “Klara” when he means to say “Sylvia.”
Just once. A slip. The kind of thing that happens in normal conversation all the time. You mix up names. No big deal.
Except in therapy, it is a very big deal.
Rob catches himself immediately. He corrects it. He tries to move on. But Sigfrid does not move on. Sigfrid is a machine designed to notice exactly this kind of slip. A machine that has been waiting for exactly this kind of moment.
Rob is talking about Sylvia, his childhood friend from the mines. But his brain substituted Klara, the woman he loved on Gateway. Two different women. Two different time periods. Two different relationships.
But apparently, in Rob’s subconscious, they are connected. Whatever guilt he feels about Sylvia is tangled up with whatever happened with Klara. The two women occupy the same dark space in his mind.
The Knife and Sylvia
Under Sigfrid’s probing, more details come out.
Years ago, Rob had an incident with Sylvia involving a knife. Not a metaphorical knife. A real one. Rob was aggressive. He was violent. He threatened her or came close to cutting her.
He did not actually cut her. But the intent was there. The violence was real even if the wound was not.
This is the first time we hear about this. Rob has been in therapy for the entire book, and this is the first time the knife comes up. Think about how deep he buried this. How many sessions, how many tricks, how many arguments with Sigfrid it took to get to this point.
Rob was violent toward a woman he cared about. He scared her. He came close to hurting her physically. And he has been carrying that guilt around like a stone in his chest for years, pretending it does not exist.
“I Murdered Her Twice”
This is the moment the chapter detonates.
Sigfrid keeps pushing. Keeps asking questions. Keeps circling around the dream, the name slip, the knife, the guilt. The pressure builds and builds. Rob is holding the teddy bear and sweating and trying to deflect, but there is nowhere left to go.
And then Rob screams it.
“I murdered her twice.”
Not “I hurt her.” Not “I was violent.” Murdered. Twice.
The word is enormous. Murder is not a metaphor. It is the worst thing you can accuse yourself of. And Rob says “twice,” which means this is not about one incident. Not about one woman. Not about one moment of violence.
Twice.
The Question That Breaks Everything
Sigfrid asks the obvious question. Why twice?
And Rob cannot answer. He does not know why he said twice. Or maybe he does know but cannot face it. The word came out of his mouth before his defenses could catch it. The subconscious blew past the wall and spoke the truth before the conscious mind could edit it.
Rob said “Klara” when he meant “Sylvia.” And he said “twice” when any rational explanation only accounts for one incident that we know about.
Twice means there is another one. Another woman. Another act of violence. Another thing that Rob is hiding, not just from Sigfrid, but from himself.
The detail shakes Rob so badly that he gets up and leaves. He rushes out of the session. The teddy bear is probably still on the chair.
What Pohl Is Doing Here
This chapter is a masterclass in slow revelation.
For twenty chapters, Pohl has been hinting that Rob did something terrible. Something involving Klara. Something that happened on a mission. We have picked up pieces here and there. The guilt. The selective amnesia. The way Rob changes the subject every time Sigfrid gets close.
And now, in a nursery with a teddy bear, the biggest clue drops. Rob believes he is a murderer. Not once but twice. And the two names, Sylvia and Klara, are linked in his mind in a way he cannot control.
The knife incident with Sylvia is real and ugly. But it is also, in a strange way, the smaller secret. The one he can almost talk about. The bigger secret, the one involving Klara, is still locked away.
Rob left the session. But the word is out. “Twice.” It is hanging in the air now. And Sigfrid will not forget it. Machines do not forget.
Whatever Rob did, whatever he is hiding, the wall just got its first real crack. And Pohl is going to keep hammering at it until the whole thing comes down.
Book: Gateway by Frederik Pohl (1977) | Hugo Award, Nebula Award, John W. Campbell Memorial Award Winner
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