Squad Goals: Confucius on the 3 Types of Friends You Need (and 3 to Block)

Book 16 is a bit of a weird one because scholars think it might have been added later. The vibe is different, it’s full of lists and “dos and don’ts” that feel more like a textbook than the usual conversational Master. But honestly, the advice is still top-tier, especially when it comes to your social circle.

The Friend Audit

Confucius basically tells us to do an audit of our friends. He says there are three types of people who will actually help you grow and three types who will just bring you down.

The Green Flags:

1. The Upright: People who are honest and tell it like it is.
2. The Trustworthy: People you can actually rely on when things get real.
3. The Learned: People who know stuff and can expand your mind.

The Red Flags:

1. The “Practiced” Manners: People who are too polished and fake.
2. The Affected Sweetness: People who are overly nice just to get something from you.
3. The Glib Tongue: People who are smooth talkers but have zero substance.

Basically, if someone is all talk and no action, or if they’re just trying to “curate” an image of being nice, Confucius says you should probably keep your distance.

The Three Awes

He also mentions three things a “gentleman” (or anyone trying to be a decent human) should stand in awe of:

• Heaven’s Mandate: Basically, understanding that some things are just meant to be and are out of your control.
• Great People: Respecting those who have actually done the work and have character.
• The Words of Sages: Paying attention to wisdom that has stood the test of time.

He says “petty people” don’t get this. They mock wisdom and belittle people who are actually trying to do good.

Stop Trying to Grow Up Fast

There’s a cool story at the end about Confucius’ own son, Boyu. Someone asked Boyu if his dad gave him any “secret” lessons because he’s the son. Boyu was like, “Nah, he just told me to learn the Odes (poetry) so I’d know how to talk, and to learn the Rites so I’d have balance.”

The person who asked was stoked because they realized Confucius treats everyone the same. He doesn’t have a VIP “inner circle” for his family. He expects the same level of effort from everyone: learn the basics, be respectful, and stop trying to skip the process.

Previous: Book 15: Consistency and the Way Next: Book 17: Nature vs. Nurture

Book Metadata: Title: The Analects Author: Confucius Translator: Annping Chin ISBN: 9780698153516